“I can’t babe. I’m washing my hair that night, can we do another night?” is an actual reason I’ve been given by a guy for not coming out on a date with me…
I thought he was joking. He wasn’t. Apparently, a macadamia nut hair mask was needed in order to keep his hair in ‘perfect’ condition. Oh and the Brazilian blow dry afterwards, because his hair is “frizzy and gross.” Now I'm a fan of hair masks and Brazilian blow outs but I’m a girl, and this guy is (supposedly) a straight guy wanting to get an invite to the party in my pants. However my Victoria Secret’s and I were side lined... for a pot of nut paste (I wish I was joking.)
Now I appreciate a man that looks after himself (surely it’s just basic hygiene?) and whilst I dream of a hunk with naturally glorious Jared Leto hair, I don’t actually want to be second best to his grooming. Which is why I never got back to that guy about another date: to this day I’m still horrified about why he was so honest about his grooming habits (and the fact that he called me "babe".) He’s not the only one I’ve encountered either: these new breed of openly, unashamed metrosexualites (as I like to call them) are everywhere - and I don’t like them. I see them taking selfies in the gym mirror, buying every V-neck t-shirt they can afford in All Saints, uploading carefully posed photos onto Tinder (I swear to god if I see one more tiger photo…)
Which has left me confused, frustrated and wondering, who is responsible for this change in male social behaviour!? Who do I blame? Who can I send angry hate mail to? Who decided that looking like an overly groomed ken doll was desirable? The little plastic git [Ken] has no penis for goodness sake! It's not attractive, and most women don’t want that kind of man (I certainly don’t.)
What happened to the real manly man? You know, the man who rolled out of bed pulled on his old Levi’s, put on whatever clean t-shirt was closet, shoes and walked out of the door. The man that actually had sexy bed hair organically and not from a L’Oreal bottle. The man who says “France” when you say St Tropez and not “Mousse or spray?” The man who thinks threading is a sewing technique and not one for hair removal.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want an ignorant, chauvinist imbecile (it’s the 21st century after all) and I don’t mind a man knowing about modern grooming techniques. I just don’t want him being dependant on them – let alone a slave to them. I just want my man to act well... like a man. A natural, grizzly, testosterone machine fuelled by whiskey and meat. A man who gets excited at the prospect of getting sweaty and dirty without worrying about whether or not it’ll ruin his appearance.
In this age of TOWIE and Jersey Shore that man is so hard to find though. Because a man may initially not look like a metrosexulite but he may be hiding that surprise for you to stumble upon later on. Am I being harsh? I don't think so, because there’s a fine line between being groomed and being a metrosexualite. My tip? Sniff out yourself a manly man, because the tell-tale aroma of Fake Bake biscuit is one that is difficult to hide. Also keep an eye on your beauty products (seriously the number of Lanolips I’ve lost to guys over the past year…) Oh and if he starts getting more excited about using a Clarisonic than a cordless drill then… I hate to break it to you but you’ve bagged yourself a Ken doll and not a real man.